Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2001 4:45 PM

SPOILER: Three Words

SUMMARY: Mulder tries to come to terms with his life.

DISCLAIMER: Any characters you recognize belong to Mr.
Carter & Co. Rule of thumb, if you recognize it,
there's a good chance it isn't mine. Doesn't stop me
messing with them though, purely for the fun of it of
course, monetary gain has never been an issue here.
The lyrics of 'I Will Remember You' are by Sarah
McLachlan, Seamus Egan and Dave Merenda.

ARCHIVES: You mean, I don't have to pay? Let me know
where it's gone please!
AUTHOR'S NOTES: At the end

Feedback please!

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She's stepped into my bedroom to sort out some stuff,
leaving me alone with my thoughts; the gurgle of the
fish tank and the soft sound of the radio for company.
Such a change from the bleeping of the monitors.

My apartment, my living room, my couch. Mine yet
different. The place smells so different to what I
remember, looks different too. She's certainly
fulfilled her ambition to clean this place up, and
then some, but the changes have made the place strange
to me.

Why should my return have made me into something other
than I've always been, a misfit? Before, I let myself
be lulled into a certain sense of security. Now I can
see with fresh eyes. I can appreciate my position in
the scheme of things.

Why have I always been such an ass-hole?

The first thing I feel, smell, see is *her*, Scully.
The image of whom has kept me from surrendering my
spirit for so very long. What do I say to her, 'Hi
Scully', Long time no see Scully', 'I love you
Scully'? No, I exceed all expectation even by my own
standards. I greeted her with 'Who are you?'. And yet
even with that, there was a link between us, the old
times were still there binding us together. I, as
usual, in my own inimitable style, let the moment
pass, and in doing so have let myself become further
and further estranged. From her, from everything.

Nothing fits, even down to my boxers, nothing is as it
was. I feel unsure of where I stand. Outside the
seasons have moved on, inside, so have the people.

I have changed, I am well again. That dreaded word
crops up again, 'Fine'. Well I'm not fine, I never
have been. Scully's not fine either. The world around
me doesn't feel fine.

I feel bewildered, left out, left behind by all the
events that have taken place in my absence.
I have missed nearly three seasons of my life, of
Scully's life and more importantly of our life
together. Something else I've missed-the child. When
she asked me to help in the IVF treatment, I went
along with it, not so much because I thought it was
the best idea, but for Scully. If she asked me for the
moon I'd try to get it for her.

Scully is pregnant. It's taken me a while to get my
head around that thought. No, not through to IVF, I
know that didn't work.

The icy fingers of doubt creep in and clutch at my
heart. Who is the father? Could she have replaced me
so soon? She doesn't seem to want to discuss the child
with me. Can anyone blame me for how I feel? Inside of
me I feel there is a battle royal taking place, my
paranoia versus logic. Who knows which one of those
will win the day, and I feel a victim of these
passionate thoughts.

The way she touches her swollen belly, with love with
tenderness. I *do* feel truly happy for her, but the
selfish bastard in me wants so much for that child to
be his, to be ours. What I'd give for the child moving
in her to be mine.

I know how hard she worked to try to find me. I
believed her when she told me how hard she prayed at
nights, that her prayers were answered. I wanted her
to have been praying for me too, not just for a child.

Her relationship with the people around her has
changed in the eight months I've been away. It used to
be her and me. We were invincible together; now the
balance has changed. She has learned to live without
me. Skinner, the Gunmen her co-worker Doggett, they
are her mainstays, her support now. What about me? A
child-like voice in my head pleads for reassurance.

That was a bigger shock to me. Realizing that he was
her partner. Logic tells me it wasn't her choice.
Paranoia makes me feel betrayed, like a husband
catching his wife in the arms of her lover.

What right have I to feel this way? I've regained my
life, but sitting here I feel it slipping away through
my fingers, the hope draining away, soaking into the
parched earth to be no more.

I don't want the X-Files if it is without her. I don't
want the life. I told her I don't know where I fit in
right now. The truth is I don't know if I ever will.
What does *she* want? What does *she* need? Does she
even need me at all, seems to be I'm no longer
important in her life.

I'm such a lame klutz. When it comes to words to
emotions the words grow thorns I my throat and stick
there. I just can't seem to get them out. I drop my
head into my hands and become aware of the words of
the song that is playing softly in the background.

" I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Remember the good times that we had?
I let them slip away from us when things got bad
How clearly I first saw you smilin' in the sun
Wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories"

But I can't help myself, the emotions I held dammed up
for so long come bubbling up like a brook, and with
them tears slip through the fingers I hid my face in.
I don't want to listen yet I can't stop.

"I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories."

Scully, Scully I need you so much. If you don't want
me, what shall I do? I want you, I want the child to
be mine, but I'm so afraid; for it, for me, for us.

I can't stop the tears, I can't seem to contain the
sobbing, gulping sounds I make, as I fight to gain

"I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to loose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light."

I feel your presence by me, but I'm too ashamed to
look up, to scared at what I might see in your eyes.

"And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories."

You take my hand away from my face and hold it between
yours for a moment, I still won't look up at you. Then
you place my hand on the top of your hard belly, and
gently hold my hand there so it can't escape. I have
no choice, I must look into your eyes.

What I see there totally throws me. You are just as
frightened as I am, just as unsure. And then I feel
the baby kick.


Am I that much out? I'd love to know. Drop me a line
and tell me.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I hasten to add that I've not seen
anything of Season 8 yet. This piece is pure
conjecture, from one or two spoilers and from what
I've read of other authors. Sarah McLachlan's word
made me think a little. Maybe, given a chance they
will work it out.

MulderTorture Anonymous
AOL IM - smiley1958

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