Note from Humbuggie: I usually don't write Season 8-fiction unless it's a
spoof, but when I listened to this song and lyrics, I realized that this
represented a lot of The X-Files for me.
Entering her heart
By Humbuggie
(c) 2001-05-27
humbuggie@sv-tales.com
http://www.sv-tales.com
based on Roxette's 'Entering your Heart'
Post-episode 'Existence'
Story: Scully has some thinking to do. But will she allow
Mulder to finally enter her heart?
Rating: Nothing in particular
I came in crawling
with an absent-minded smile
I had so many things untied that summer night
when I decided it was worth another try
entering your heart
close your eyes
don't say a word
all your thoughts must go un-heard
and I have failed so many times....
entering your mind....
I'm not the most important one under the sun
I don't have any power connections to the Pentagon
but I've got something of my own, that must get done
close your eyes
don't tell a soul....
all you dreams must be told....
and I have failed so many times....
entering you mind....
Entering her mind
She listened to his voice as he softly spoke as never
before. His eyes were focused on her; his thoughts and
actions in harmony with what his voice was saying. She felt
mesmerized by him, touched by his honesty and candor. His
true feelings finally found the light and she knew she
would be an idiot to stop herself from responding to it.
This time, she would not find excuses or apologies.
That evening, he came in crawling with an absent-minded
smile. She could hear him open and close the door. Then he
spoke to the three men that had come to see her. And then
he stood before her, to tie the loose ends that had been
drifting between them for weeks now.
Yet when she stepped forward and showed him their son, she
knew it was the right time. If it did not happen now, it
would never happen. And they would go on pretending
forever. It was not the way to go. It was not the way to
proceed. She had to open up her mind and heart.
But she was afraid. She had been alone for so long now and
it felt right somehow. There had been no one for ages, not
since the day he came into her life and became the biggest
part of it. Her body might have been longing for a mate;
her mind was always with him. That feeling that grew deep
inside of her for so many years before this very day was
too precious for her to lose. He was the one, and she knew
it. Her heart told her so.
But her mind objected. She had always been in control. She
had always been the one that decided where to go from here.
And before, in other circumstances, when his words told her
the same things they were saying now, she had forced
herself to stay out of his sphere -- away from that spot
where two worlds collided and became one.
There was Dana, and there was Scully and they had been two
different people. And she had not wanted them to come
together. She dressed them differently and she wouldn't
allow them to become the same person.
But hadn't she already done so? She had asked him to
deliver the seed. She had asked him to mingle with Dana,
not Scully. And Dana had been sad, too, when he
disappeared.
And here they were now -- inside Dana's home. And he was
telling her what he wanted.
Yet his hands weren't even touching her. They weren't
trying to pull her closer. And when she blinked and looked
down at that baby in his arms, she knew he was unable to do
anything more than stare at what they had created and
convince her that this was right. He was happy and so
should she be. And she was.
Only days before she had been fighting for this baby. Days
before she had believed that things would forever be
changed. Weeks ago she had seen this man's dead body.
Months before she had believed he would never come back to
her, and her mind had shut out any sorrow and pain in order
to protect herself and her unborn child. No one had managed
to enter her heart like he had. And even so, he had not
succeeded in coming into the core of her feelings, thoughts
and mind.
And now they stood before each other and he had that child
in his hands as if it was a normal thing to do. He knew, of
course, that the baby was his, even though she had never
said it out loud. She would never do so. That was her
protection -- her safety harness that would protect herself
from any pain the moment he would leave again.
And she feared that he would. One day he would turn his
back on her and leave and she would be a woman with nothing
in the world but the child in her arms. She would not have
happiness or safety and he would be gone forever, leaving
her without saying goodbye.
She didn't want that. She wanted to be free from all the
pain and sorrow and anger that she felt deep inside of her,
but how could she pull herself away from everything she had
felt so far? How could she change herself into something
she had never been?
She had tried to believe so badly in possibilities beyond
that basement office and everything that kept her there.
She had convinced herself that one day she would lead a
regular life with a regular guy and have this child that
would be raised as if it were his. And she would never look
back at all that she had seen and been through.
When her partner was gone, she had convinced herself he
was all right and leading a new life, living in a better
place. Perhaps he would one day return with loss of memory,
like she had been returned, and he would not realize all
that had happened to him. It had been a better scenario
than anything else she had ever come up with. It had been
better than the scenario of death.
But when he returned and she realized he recalled every
single moment of the last months, she feared that his mind
could not withstand that and he would run away from this
world. That he would shut her out for good and forget she
had ever existed. But now he had his baby in his hands and
she knew there might still be a chance. He would not leave.
Not now.
If only she would let him enter her heart.
She thought too much. That was her problem.
Entering her heart
Only now did she hear what he was saying. His soft voice
that sounded so smooth, so caring and so loving, persuaded
her they were talking on the same level. For he was
explaining to her what he wanted to do with the rest of his
life. And she was the biggest part of it. He would devote
his life to her and give up the plans he had in mind. For
her. He would lead a normal life. For her. Normal, in his
own way. Normal, what could be considered normal for him.
"Close your eyes," he whispered after he had kissed her.
She had placed her arms around him and the baby and a
million thoughts overwhelmed her mind as if there was not a
care in the world. Nothing existed beyond these four walls.
There was only this exact moment that he had devoted to
her.
And his lips were on hers and she knew she would be one
with him.
He lifted the baby out of her hands and put it in his
crib. She did not open her eyes. She did what he told her
to do, with the faith that she had in no one else.
"Don't say a word." She stood in the centre of the room
and opened the door to her deepest feelings. She started to
speak despite his request and felt his soft fingers on her
lips. And she knew what he was going to say.
"I have failed so many times to tell you how I feel," he
whispered and she felt happy beyond words. "I have tried
so many times to tell you the truth. I have lied to you
about my feelings, too. I couldn't tell you what was going
on inside of me. All this time we have lost; all these
feelings that we could have shared so many times before.
But now it's time to let our thoughts be heard."
She listened and his words made sense. His hands on her
shoulders made sense. The tone of his voice made sense. And
above all, his exploring of her mind and feelings made
sense. It was way overdue. This moment should have existed
years ago.
"There are others out there that are better for you. They
can offer you a steady life and things that I cannot offer
you. I'm not the most protective one. I'm not the most
powerful one. I can't guarantee your safety. You know I
have to do things that you don't like me to do. You know I
can't give up on my quests. I'll always find a way beyond
anything that might stop me. But I've got something of my
own. Something that will help us survive. It will be the
most important thing in life for us both."
She waited until he continued and his mouth was so close
to her ear that she could actually sense a soft wind
brushing her hair as he spoke. "I've got faith in our
future. I've got faith in miracles."
She looked up, this time opening her eyes to look straight
into his. And she smiled. "Don't tell a soul I said so,"
she whispered, for the first time letting him in on her
little secrets. "But I've got faith in little miracles
too."
- The End -
--
Happy is the heart of him who writes; he is young each day." --
Ptahotpe, c. 2350 B.C.
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