Sent: Saturday, July 29, 2000
TITLE: Knowing 1/1
AUTHOR: Katvictory
DISCLAIMERS: They all belong to Chris Carter and Fox. I want
nothing. Don't sue.
RATING: PG-13 (One less than PC word)
SUMMARY: Mulder's thoughts after his abduction
CATEGORIES: Post episode (Requiem); vignette
SPOILERS: Ah - Requiem - Don't think it spoils, but it'd
help to know what happened
FEEDBACK: dev1025@uswest.net
For Amy -
Knowing
by Katvictory
At first there was no sense of awareness. It was good. No
sight, no sound, no pain. Then a voice came inside. Soft,
calmly spoken, but not to be denied.
"Do you KNOW sadness?"
The tug on my mind was brutal. It tore each memory from me
one by one from the beginning until my last conscious
thought as the light claimed me...all that lay between. My
life.
- she leaves, who'll hold me? who'll feed me? i'm alone.
what if she doesn't come back? mother?
"Do you KNOW sadness?"
- she's gone. i lost her. it's my fault. i don't KNOW what
happened. i can't remember. really. i'm sorry. please, i'm
so sorry. dad, i'm sorry. will they ever find her? she's
gone...
"Do you KNOW sadness?"
- she's gone. i'm too late. they took her. it's my fault.
this happened because of me. i have to find her. she's
gone...
"Do you KNOW sadness?"
- she's dying. there's nothing i can do. this is happening
because of me. i have to find a way to save her. she can't
die...
"Do you KNOW sadness?"
- will i see her again?
They're not taken from me. They're still there. But the pain
that came when they brought them up to study them so coldly
makes me bury them deeper. I can never let them surface
again. Never. They're gone.
But I'm fine. Who needs sadness anyway?
*****
They come again. Another question, more torture. What is
stolen this time is more painful, because it's something I
need. Still when they ask, I must give, each and every
memory that's there.
"Do you KNOW joy?"
They take, and take. I try to hold back, but they won't let
me.
"Do you KNOW joy?"
- her laugh, that deep rich sound that floats up so
amazingly light. It caresses my senses, makes my nerves
tingle...
"Do you KNOW joy?"
- her body, curled up next to mine. warm flesh against
flesh...
"Do you KNOW joy?"
- that scent, her hair sweet vanilla. her soap. the odor of
longing...of need, hot passion seeps from her pores.
"Do you KNOW joy?"
- i see her smile, her tears, her hair, her hands, her
body...
And now it's gone. No more. What will be next?
*****
The voice asks. I give. There's nothing left. But still they
want.
"Do you KNOW fear?"
"Do you KNOW pain?"
"Do you KNOW compassion?"
"Do you KNOW jealousy?"
"Do you KNOW excitement?"
"Do you KNOW contentment?"
"Do you KNOW hate?"
HATE! DO I KNOW HATE! You've come to the right place,
mother-fucker!
"Do you KNOW hate?"
I'm full of hate!
"Do you KNOW hate?"
But if you take that, too, I'll have nothing left.
"Do you KNOW hate?"
So they look...they find.
And it's gone.
There's nothing.
*****
The voice...it comes again. What's left to take?
"Do you KNOW love?"
There's no love left. None. You took all the joy, the
sorrow, the fear, the pain, the excitement, the contentment,
the compassion, the jealousy, the hate...love is all those
things. Look inside of me, there's nothing...nothing left.
"Do you KNOW love?"
No, I KNOW nothing.
*****
I feel the cold. My eyes open, the smell of leaves, the
earthy scent of rain sodden dirt. I'm home.
"I'm home," my voice is flat, joyless.
I'm hurt, but I can't feel the pain.
It's cold, I need to get warm, but I can't move. I'm not
afraid because I don't know fear.
I bring my arm up. I see the tiny, golden cross catch the
sun, in the dim, gray light.
They didn't KNOW I lied -
- I KNOW...i still know...love.
END